Friday, 5 August 2011

Street Cleaning Simulator. Seriously.

Not posted for a while due to the fact I've had a lot on my plate. It's just that something as ridiculous as this turning up in my Gamespot  inbox could not be left to rot.  

Street Cleaning Simulator has rocketed to the top of the "Reader's Reviews" section on Gamespot. Why you ask, considering it's an appalling game; game of course in the absolute LOOSEST POSSIBLE terms, of a boring job that even the people who do it don't want to? Because, apparently (and I say apparently because the review scores have perhaps been tampered with), it has an average score of 9.3. Out of ten. Not out of 100. TEN. This brings me to a little joke I've been working on. What's the difference between Street Cleaning Simulator, and Anne Widdecombe's fanny?

Given time, I could probably work up the courage to play with the latter. Full review soon. When I figure out I could've spent the money it cost to buy the game on something more fun, like an acid bath for myself, I shall probably be swinging from a doorknob.

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

LOL - Just sent this to the DVLA for Rhys, he paid me to write it for him as they want fifty quid haha.

Not posted for a while, had uni stuff to do, but this is something I did for my brother when the DVLA wanted money off him for some fuck up by Royal Mail.

To whom it may concern,

I regret to inform you that I am at no fault for the unreceived logbook associated with the BMW 5 Series (Registration KL53 FWX), as it was lost in transition upon its despatch in the post. The logbook was marked clearly with the required address, and was stamped both properly and appropriately. I should also state that I have no intention whatsoever of paying you the sum which you have demanded of me, as it is obscene, unnecessary and bordering on offensive. I clearly have zero accountability in this matter, as I had not deemed it pertinent to acquire proof-of-postage; thinking that perhaps the envelope would arrive, and not accounting for Royal Mail's botched and disturbingly disorganised attempt at a delivery. I am sorry if this news troubles you at the DVLA, but again, I would like to highlight my complete unwillingness to pay for a smear on the British-Postal-System's otherwise wonderful record, and will be firmly and totally rejecting your request for financial reimbursement on grounds that I have demonstrated no culpability in the slightest.

Good day to you sir,
Llewelyn John Rhys Davies-Kenny

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

The internet stole my dignity. I want it back.

Since when did the internet turn into a place where we can't be who we want to be? It's a non-face-to-face network of people, where most of them are open liars at that, and as a consequence, pretty much nothing on it should ever be taken as actual fact (except anything on Fox News; that shit's ALL legit). So why, oh for god's sake why, do companies think that it's acceptable to put advertising that shows us who we 'need to be' and how we should go about it? Does anyone remember when YouTube was ad-free? When you could watch something from Channel 4, or view a trailer for yet another Final Fantasy sequel, without getting a massive stupid advert for make-up or a new kind of yoghurt that you're never even going to eat on your screen?
It's only recently that it's changed, and after a small amount of research, I saw that the first 'group' of people attempting to organise something to remove the adverts had 84 members. 84. There's 20 hours of footage uploaded to YouTube every minute, and there's 84 people trying to get rid of adverts. They're on everything as well; no video is safe. There's adverts before you watch footage of a local band from a gig you missed the other night, which means that whoever put the advert there is making money from a band that makes none. They tell you that you need some more stuff to look good; persuade you that you need this new piece of technology just to get by, or that you're simply overweight, or that you need to watch another shitty Rom-Com that's destroyed a macho action star (Bounty Hunter - MY ARSE.) And if you've good hideously poor internet, such as mine (0.5mb/s), the adverts can take up to a minute to stream at 360p even if they're only 5 seconds long.
 This, apparently, is totally fine. No one on the internet cares. Nobody. Oh no, wait, there's 84 people that are arsed. So come on, stop being told what to do, stop being pushed around by advertising dickheads. Sort something out; go and sign the petition, do your bit. If you like the internet that is.
  And if you don't, then there's always the group of 23 people who want Gerard Butler to make another fucking Rom-Com.

I'm new here. Be nice or I'll vomit.

Hello all. If you're reading this, you're probably one of the friends that I've suckered into reading this rubbish. If you are, I whole-heartedly apologise. If you aren't, however, you've brought this upon yourself, and I hold no responsibility for any reaction you may have to it. Oh, and sorry.